


Voice of no Return

by kamuishirou



Category: X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: It's kind of graphic please don't read if these subjects upset you?, M/M, Mentions of incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-14
Packaged: 2019-02-02 10:55:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12725286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kamuishirou/pseuds/kamuishirou
Summary: Please read the notes before reading this story.





	Voice of no Return

**Author's Note:**

> This story contains abuse which includes rape between two minors. I in no way shape or form condone this shit IRL, obviously. This story is part of a character’s backstory and provides graphic (?) details. Would not suggest reading if it is not your cup of tea. You have been warned. 
> 
> Also, I don’t own any of the characters in here, that should be obvious enough. X/1999 and its characters belong to CLAMP. 
> 
> The pairing is Fuuma/Kamui, with mentions of Subaru/Kamui and also mentions of incest. This is based off an AU, and Kamui has several mental illnesses which includes disorganized schizophrenia. 
> 
> Hasn't really been...beta'd? I'll edit it when my boyfriend finally checks it over LMAO I'm also too embarrassed to post this onto my main.

****

Over in the lion’s den where the room was thick with the smell of Sakura, they cuddled closely together on the couch. Open space stretching from the living room, passing through the dining room and into the kitchen; Sakurazuka-san surprisingly had good taste in decorative living. It could not be said the same for his personality, and for his son. 

 

The TV blaring over out and in between the two boys on the couch, the reflections of the film shown in their eyes, Kamui’s especially. Time seemingly did not exist here, with the youngest boy losing track of it and also his curfew. When the credits rolled down the screen, it was only then Kamui had realized it was getting late. Subaru was home alone. Father had left for a business trip elsewhere, and Kamui absent mindedly forgot his phone on the kitchen table back at home. Subaru would worry if Kamui was late, and it wasn’t good for his anxiety either. Not to mention the clock was striking fairly quickly towards Kamui’s dosage. He hadn’t been exactly consistent with taking his medication since meeting Fuuma (though that wasn’t his fault, Fuuma was holding them hostage for quite some time now). 

 

Kamui snuggled up more  towards Fuuma, who embraced the act. It was a fairly quiet evening and time well spent together. Weeks prior had been rough, as the older of the two could not handle his jealousy. Saturday, tonight, was a nice change of pace from all of that. And the two silently agreed to themselves that things were better this way. Or well, at least for Kamui. His affectionate gestures were a means to say he had a good time, and to also say goodbye for the evening. Hopefully Fuuma wouldn’t have a problem with it. For some reason, he always hated goodbyes.  

 

“Monou-san, I...should get going. It’s late.” 

 

The honest sentence surprised Fuuma, which shouldn’t have been surprising at all. His curious expression made Kamui shy.  “You can’t stay longer?”

 

“Subaru and papa will worry.” 

 

_ Subaru. _

 

The name, that word,  _ his name _ .  The name Fuuma hated without a single doubt. Any mere mention of it could drive the eldest  over the edge, and into a seemingly endless amount of rage. 

 

He tried  to hide his disdain, his jealousy, “What do they have to be worried about?” 

 

_ Really, why?  _

 

Fuuma wasn’t sure if he wanted Kamui to go home so soon.    
  


_ Make him stay.  _

 

“I’m supposed to be home by a certain time, Monou-san. You know this already.” He rose from his seat, his eyes glancing over towards the digital clock on the TV stand. He sighed, “And...it’s almost time for my meds. You know that too…” 

 

Kamui had only gotten back his medication recently. Things were slowing down between them, and Kamui became much more complacent-- no, he grew to be much more distant. Fuuma wouldn’t lie to himself about that at least. Subaru and Kamui were always close, they were brothers. But it was odd. Odd because whenever Kamui spoke of his older brother, there was this ray of sunshine that made Fuuma  _ sick _ . The way Kamui’s lips curved into a tender smile, the way his violet eyes flickered and looked lost in a sea of thoughts. Thoughts of his brother, the love he felt for Subaru, and not for Fuuma himself. Fuuma knew long before that Kamui was in love with his brother. It was impossible to deny that truth. And he loathed every single piece of it. 

 

Fuuma should have been the only one to make Kamui happy. After all, they were together, weren’t they? Kamui should have been always looking at Fuuma, not Subaru. Never Subaru. Not once. Not ever. Never.

 

This spike of a jealous flavor in his voice, “You don’t want to make ‘nii-san’ worried?”. Merely a hint of it, but Kamui was never good at catching onto social cues. This  was also another trait of Kamui’s that caused Fuuma much annoyance; he could never really tell how Fuuma   _ truly  _ felt, even when they touched each other. The kisses, the warm embraces, Kamui  _ adored  _ it all. He just needed someone to look at him, to give him the attention and the love. Fuuma knew he’d be the perfect one to do it. To make Kamui his, and he was so close. Oh so very close.

 

But not once did Kamui ever truly look at Fuuma. He was always looking at Subaru.

 

“He...worries a lot.”    
  
Again, that soft expression, this borderline sunshine. Glowing eyes. 

 

Fuuma hated it.

 

“I don’t want to bother him.”

 

The Sakura’s aroma suddenly went thin. Kamui’s frail yet tender skin almost felt dry. This aching feeling  developed within his stomach as the clock changed numbers. Despite there being no clock other than the digital one, he could hear the hands of some other clockwork in between the distance. The tick and the tock drew his eyes back onto Fuuma, his gaze enveloping the boy. Kamui had hoped Fuuma would understand. 

 

“...Maybe he should be.” 

 

Kamui could only answer back  with a bewildered face. 

 

“What if something happened to you…?” Fuuma had touched Kamui’s arm, his face becoming alluringly dark, and the boy never moved from his standing position. 

 

Kamui became slightly defensive, “He’d be upset…!!”  _ Of course he would be!  _

 

“It would hurt him?” Nearly tasteless in tone, but Fuuma wanted to know.

 

“Of course…”  _ Don’t you understand?  _ It almost offended Kamui. “He’s my nii-san! He and papa take care of me, they always have, but...but nii-san. He was there since the beginning. He was always there, looking after me and...always worrying.”

 

Not a drip or a drop of his voice, nor any other sound, Fuuma rose from the couch. Swiftly grabbing onto Kamui’s arm, he twisted the boy around to truly look at him. His eyes were a color that Kamui couldn’t tell, a mysterious emotion he couldn’t feel. But to begin with, Kamui already had difficulties comprehending other people’s emotions, especially that of Fuuma’s. 

 

“ _ I’m _ here for you. Isn’t that enough…?”

 

“M-Monou-san…?”

 

“Why do you always think of him…?”

 

A deep green, a sparkling green; Fuuma’s eyes flickered with emerald, his jealousy deeping with his grasp on Kamui. The boy was thrown into a loss of confusion, his surroundings going mute and the clock stopped ticking. 

 

“B-But, Subaru…”  _ He' my brother? I can’t stay, Fuuma---  _

 

“Even when you’re with me….”  _ You’re always thinking of him, even when we kiss. When we touch. When I do things to you, even tonight? You were thinking of him. You were always were. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, st---- _

 

“You’re Monou-san. Subaru is Subaru. Subaru is nii-san. I...like you both.” Shouldn’t that have been obvious? “He raised me. He…” Kamui began to pout, the childish one Fuuma couldn’t help but to cherish from time to time. “He loves me.”

 

Sharp words flung at Fuuma, eating away at his heart. Stabbing it repeatedly until he could feel himself burning from within. An old wandering flame he used to be able to contain before.

 

“And I love him too.”

 

A large sound of a smack bounced off  the walls, with the youngest fell towards the ground. Kamui had no idea what he was saying, so assumed Fuuma. It was a correct assumption. He had no idea he was in love with his brother, but Fuuma knew. Fuuma always knew. With the love and adoration in his voice, and how confident his feelings were presented-- Fuuma  _ despised  _ it. 

 

Picking himself back up onto his knees, Kamui’s delicate fingers touched the red spot on his cheek. His frail skin bruised so easily. His eyes grew wide with shock as he looked up at Fuuma, who was looming over him like a shadow in the darkness. 

 

“Monou-san…?”

 

“You should..only love me.”

 

Kamui’s heart skipped a beat. He had to go home. It was time to leave, before the fear devoured him. Before Fuuma would hurt him again.

 

“I...I have to go home.” 

 

As he tried to get up, the lion wouldn’t allow his prey to leave. His large hands, those claws, suddenly grabbed onto one of Kamui’s legs, quickly knocking the boy over and hitting the floor once more. On his back, Fuuma dragged him further along the carpet as the other tried to break free from lion’s grasp.  

 

“F-Fuuma,  _ stop. Please. _ ” Kamui pleaded. He honest to God had no idea as to what Fuuma was going to do to him and his body. 

 

Fuuma, his heart raged like a lion, roaring with anger and seething jealousy, “You don’t have to go home. You can stay here!” He pinned Kamui’s wrists into the carpet.

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Because  _ Subaru  _ will be worried?” 

_  
_ _ Fuck him. Fuck Subaru. _

 

He couldn’t help but to smirk. Quietly and with such sleekness, Fuuma loomed over Kamui. Pinning his hands into the ground, Fuuma’s expressions were made to be clear. But would Kamui understand now…? Hurt and afraid, yet Kamui still couldn’t grasp his situation. All he knew was that he had to go home. He had to. Subaru was there, waiting for him. Subaru would worry and Kamui feared nothing more than upsetting his brother. 

 

“N-Nii-san….will...stress over it.”

 

_ I don’t care. _

 

“Nii-san has…anxiety issues.”

 

_ He’s pathetic.  _

 

“P-Please….let me go…!!!”

 

“No.”

 

“It will be bad for him, Fuuma!!” 

 

“You sure do think of him a lot.”

 

“H-He’s my nii-san!!” 

 

Kamui began to squirm. 

 

“Seems like you do more than me….Tell me, is he more important to you?”

 

Conflicted and torn. Confused, afraid, hurt--

 

“He protected me! He...took care of me when mama stopped paying attention to me. She gave us up, and he helped me get used to papa.” 

 

_ Please stop.  _

 

“All I had was him… Fuuma….I have to go. I don’t wanna be a bother. Please?”

 

Arousing in these facts shared between Subaru and Kamui, Fuuma dwelled in wonder. Kamui’s honesty was endearing, he didn’t have to explain himself, but the boy could be such a mouthful at times. Kamui was...special.

 

“...Kamui. Wouldn’t it be terrible, if you made your brother worried…? He’ll get really anxious if you’re not home soon…?”

 

“He has anxiety problems…!!! And he gets sad a lot!! Nii-san is tough but...but I see it!! We’re brothers, we’re supposed to know…. He’s home...alone.” 

 

Fuuma drowning in his curiosity, raised a brow. How could someone care so much for another…? Fuuma cared for Kamui, he  _ wanted  _ him. In every sense of the word, and yet he could not comprehend this love Kamui felt for Subaru. All it did was make him more and more angry.

 

“Papa...went to work n’ I forgot my phone. Fuuma...he...I need to go home, n’ m-my meds...I-I need them…” 

 

The lion licked his lips, twisting into a devious, predatory smile. A slight chuckle escaped his breath, “I think it would be funny...to make him worry.”

 

As his violet eyes sparked and grew wide, Kamui began to violently thrash around. His heart pulsating throughout his body, thoughts jumbled in agony-- he couldn’t escape. 

 

“Let go!! It’s not funny!!” 

 

“Think of all...the things that’ll run through his head.” It almost made Fuuma laugh. Even if Kamui was his only audience member in the room, the predator was only speaking to himself. How easy it’d be, to ruin Subaru. Ruin him at the expense of ruining Kamui himself. 

 

“See, but I don’t care about Subaru at all.” 

 

_ My silly, little dearly Kamui. Don’t you understand…? _

 

“I hate him.” 

 

_ So much. _

 

“He makes me angry.”

 

_ I want him gone. _

 

Fuuma could see Subaru. That annoying high school student. The irritating quietness that he brought with him. The uncertain eyes he wore whenever Fuuma graced that fucker with his presence. The face Fuuma wore was only meant for Subaru, but he was not there. Only Kamui, his only witness. 

 

Voice trembling and cracking from the bottom up, the boy’s body began to tremble. “Fuuma...Fuuma...I...I want to leave. You’re scaring me. M’scared---” 

 

Fuuma’s grip tightened. “You’re not leaving.” 

 

Passionate eyes, he devilishly smirked, “We’re gonna stay here...and make Subaru worry.”

 

Kamui’s heart sank, as Fuuma continued to smirk. The TV’s sounds fell silent as the room was filled with Kamui’s pleas for help. Time had suddenly come to a halt. 

 

“--Noo!!”

 

“Let me go!”

 

“I don’t wanna stay…!!”

 

He knew he was much more powerful than Kamui. Fuuma was rather tall for his age, and had a better build compared to the young and fragile boy beneath him. There was no real reason to listen to Kamui, who was being disobedient. Those who don’t listen must be punished. Kamui would be taught a lesson and pay the price, as Subaru would also suffer  because of it. 

 

Fuuma let Kamui free for only a brief moment, aggressively grabbing his comfortable shirt and ripping it apart. The sudden movement alarmed Kamui even more, sending him deeper into a state of confusion and panic. Thrashing and flailing, he somehow managed to get back on his stomach. As he made  an attempt to crawl away, the only other thing he could manage to do was to yell out for help. Sakurazuka-san was home, wasn’t he? Kamui vaguely remembered the man heading upstairs into his office area. He didn’t recall him ever leaving the house since they first got there in the afternoon.. 

 

_ “S-Sakurazuka-san…!!!”  _ Kamui’s voice has gone brittle. 

 

Sakurazuka-san was a mysterious and well collected man. Handsomely in his thirties, he stood tall much like his son and maintained a cool aura around him. There wasn’t much to know about him, or rather, much he’d prefer not to share. Years before, Kamui had ran into him briefly as a child. The man accompanied Kanoe, his mother, on one of her visitation hours. 

 

_ Scary. _

 

Kamui recalls the feeling of a dark shadow looming over him. A feeling of fear and uncertainty when encountering Sakurazuka-san for the second time since the first meeting. It had been so long, and too much had happened to the point where Kamui forgot most things, including Seishirou Sakurazuka. 

 

The man leisurely made his way across the silent hallway upstairs. He knew Fuuma had that boy over again, and he didn’t quite understand what his son saw in that boy. Though he also knew he couldn’t talk, there was something about Kanoe that Seishirou liked. So much that he continued to see her (maybe, humor her?) weekly, monthly, whenever they both pleased. Kamui was easy on the eyes, just like Kanoe. Kid had to be good for something. 

 

_ “Sakurazuka-san…!! Please!” _

 

Seishirou heard the second cry. He raised his brow and stayed in place, listening in on the voices heard below. Fuuma was an aggressive child, Seishirou was also aware of this. Quiet, calm, friendly, seemingly normal-- the teen had a temper that only Kamui knew the best. His father never experienced personally (God help Fuuma if he did), but he nurtured what Fuuma turned into today; tonight especially. 

 

“Did you finally snap…?” The man hummed, with a faint smile written across his lips. It was only a matter of time after all. Seishirou paid no mind, and continued to walk back into his office. 

 

“---Fuuma!!!”  He had decided earlier on to sit on Kamui’s legs, preventing any chance of the boy escaping. It was clear that his father wasn’t going to save this kid. 

 

Thin, feeble,  _ fragile _ . Fuuma took pleasure in watching Kamui struggle, but at this point half the teen’s mind was lost in a haze. Thoughts of Kamui loving Subaru, more than loving Fuuma himself---  _ Impossible,  _ he thought.  _ I won’t allow it.  _

 

“I won’t allow it  _ at all. _ ”

 

Violet eyes still wide with horror, Kamui tried to crawl away once more as Fuuma grabbed onto his waistband. Those rough fingers reaching for the front, Kamui felt his stomach drop and mouth almost filling with bile. 

 

“N-No…!!”

 

_ No! _

 

He almost started to sob, “I don’t want to play..Fuuma!!!” 

 

A cold thickness of breath, “Stop struggling.”

 

If there was anything annoying about Kamui, it’d be how loud he could get. Even in the middle of the assault, the kid remained hellbent on yelling his ass off. 

 

“Please!! Stop!!” 

 

But he was also naive in thinking words alone could stop Fuuma from forcing himself on him. Fueled by his anger and jealousy over  _ Niisan _ , Fuuma successfully got into the boy’s pants, tugging them down roughly. Not a single thought of care or consideration if it hurt Kamui. No, the point  _ was  _ to hurt him. To break him, and wreck that heavenly face Kamui always thought of with such love. 

 

To hurt Subaru is to hurt Kamui, and he knew that Kamui would stay by his side even after this. It wasn’t difficult to coerce the boy into doing adult things. Kamui truly was a naive fool. His parents didn’t seem to teach him much of anything. 

 

_ You’re taking advantage of a young boy. You know he’s not well in the head, Monou-sa--- _

 

_ “Shut up.”  _

 

Kamui choked on his tears, “Don’t---”

 

“... _ hurt me!!” _

 

“It wouldn’t hurt if you stopped struggling.”

 

Hands balling into fists, the look of horror turned into a scene of anger. 

 

“You’re a liar! Just like  _ Kanoe _ !” 

 

Ignoring the insult, the lion crawled up over his prey’s body, but not before finishing tugging down his pants. Kamui felt afraid, betrayed, exposed, in every sense of the word. His favorite short torn, his pants and underwear removed with no one to save him, no one to come to his rescue. The friend, his friend, the one he trusted most was suddenly going to violate him. There was no escape. 

 

Fuuma brought his lips all across Kamui’s back, taking in his essence. This boy was almost completely untouched, besides the few times they touched each other. Fuuma was never interested in other people, until he had met Kamui. It was reassuring, lovely,  _ erotic  _ to know he’d be the boy’s first at everything. Believe it or not, Fuuma had no experience himself; something special to be shared between the two males. Kamui obviously disagreed. 

 

His rough lips kissing the boy’s dark hair, his lips curved into another predatory smile, still fully clothed. Kamui never stopped trembling, his skin going cold from the hard floor. Fuuma attempted to cover his mouth, and in retaliation, Kamui sipped his teeth deeply into the teen’s fingers. Not showing any physical reaction to it, Fuuma shoved a few of his fingers inside as a means to silence his lover. 

 

Gagging and sobbing, screaming into the wet fingers, Kamui continued to violently thrash around. He even began  to try and bite his way out of his situation. It made Fuuma even more irritable, yet he tried to retain his collected nature. It already proved to be difficult. 

 

“You’re not being a good boy…”

 

_ Why won’t you listen to me? _

 

“I’m no liar, Kamui.”

 

_ These are my honest feelings. _

 

“I care so much about you. I just want you to  _ look at me _ .”

 

_ So take them. Fucking take them.  _

 

It was obvious to him minutes earlier, that there’d be no getting anywhere with Fuuma. Subaru being the source of fuel to his fire, the lion was relentless; merciless. Kamui’s friend was gone. Long gone-- months ago. It was like he was never there to begin with. 

 

Deeper, Fuuma continued to push his three fingers inside Kamui’s small mouth. Through his moment of fire, there was a brief thought of just how cute Kamui was. His small petite and fragile figure was something that always appealed to Fuuma, like that of a small animal. Small, and delicate. He knew he’d have no issue breaking him in. Kamui always grew to be complacent if you knew the right things to say.

 

...Or do. 

 

Incorrect on his assumption, Kamui was still struggling. Face drenched from his tears, the boy was still fighting him, biting his fingers. It was irritating. Why now? All the other times they did anything, Kamui rarely put up a fight besides asking a few questions. Though, this time was certainly different from all the others. Neither of them went this far with sex. 

 

“You’re really not listening, huh.”

 

Removing his slippery and red, slightly bloodied fingers, Fuuma gently ran his fingers through Kamui’s hair. The boy’s eyes flickered with shock, from the tender touch. But he knew it couldn’t be true. 

 

“Fu--” 

 

Fuuma pulled back on his hair without a single warning. Tugging it hard, he made Kamui look him in the eyes. Kamui’s ends had turned into curls, the wet ones from the tears splashed up against his untouched cheeks. Violet eyes seethed with such pain and anger, enough that he decided to spit in Fuuma’s face. Unbothered by this, the lion’s claws tugged even harder, causing Kamui to yell out louder than before, but his glare still stayed strong.

 

“Why are you so angry…? That wasn’t very nice.”

 

Nearly hissing, “Fuck you, Fuuma!”

 

_ Don’t worry, I will. _

 

“If you’d just relax, it wouldn’t hurt so much for you.”

 

“Shut up! I don’t want this! I never said I did! I-It hurts…!! Stop, stop it!!” He started to thrash around once more, this time trying to headbutt Fuuma in the face. 

 

Lifting himself up and slightly away from Kamui, he dodged the attack. An emotionless thin smirk, “That’s the point.”

 

_ I’ll break him. _

 

“Imagine...if Subaru was thinking of this?” 

 

_ The way some man he doesn’t even know, running his fingers up his little brother’s shirt. Some man digging his hand down his brother’s pants in a bathroom stall over at school, ditching class. All to get your medication back from me. He can’t have you Kamui, no one can.  _

 

“Do you think he’s so worried, he’d be thinking of ways you could be hurt?

 

“He didn’t do anything to you…!!”

 

_ Yes he did. _

 

“You don’t even know him, he doesn’t know you either! So fucking  _ stop!!! _ ”

 

_ He took your heart, Kamui. _

 

“He’s not bad like you, Fuuma! I hate this, I hate you!” 

 

_ You’re supposed to be mine.  _

 

It seemed like Kamui had an endless supply of energy, he started screaming again. It didn’t bother Fuuma, as he smoothly grabbed Kamui’s face by the chin, tilting it upwards. Their eyes locking once more, it silences Kamui. Those same lucid eyes staring in another shock, but unsuppressed anger. 

 

“Bad…? I’m only punishing you for looking at him.”

 

_ You don’t even realize. _

 

“You shouldn’t be looking at anyone else. You belong to me.”

 

_ Just how much I love you. _

 

“I’ll make you belong to me.” 

 

The adrenaline rushing through Kamui’s veins as he could feel Fuuma undoing his pants, attempting to press into him. Kamui tried to lash out, cutting some of lion’s cheek with his nails, “I don’t belong to  _ anyone _ !! Don’t wanna be your boyfriend..!! I don’t want this---  **_I don’t want YOU!_ ** ” 

 

In his ears, Fuuma could have sworn he heard a faint crack somewhere.

 

“I...I wanna see Subaru…!” 

 

Shattered glass. 

 

“He’d never hurt me….!!!”

 

In one instant motion and roughly, Fuuma smashed Kamui’s face into the cold, wooden floor. Grabbing the boy's thighs, he easily spread apart his legs. Kamui, with his nose definitely fractured, hardly made any movements. 

 

“Mm..hh..o-ow…” His head in a daze, the impact was too much. He could barely think, only feeling the intense burn.  But the sudden feeling of Fuuma’s arousal pressing in between his ass--

 

“F-Fuuma…!!” He abruptly called out, raising his head, “Don’t...D-Don’t..!! Please!!” With his broken sobs, his weak legs tried to fight back, but Fuuma easily brushed them off, making them stay apart. There were no more words to be shared from Fuuma. 

 

The blood loss ruined Kamui’s focus, but the desperation for help overwhelmed anything else. “S-Sakurazuka...san…!!” 

 

His call went unanswered once more, for Seishirou only stopped reading his paper momentarily as he looked down at the floor. There was nothing more to be said from him, either. 

 

“H...He...lp…? Pl...P-Plea...se…”

 

To cease the persistence and could no longer wait, Fuuma finally pushed himself inside Kamui. Trying to go in as deep as he could, the boy sharply hissed out in pain, his sobs becoming more and more heavy. Thick with arousal, Kamui’s tightness made Fuuma’s breath short and sharp;  _ He felt so good _ . And he thought Kamui would finally shut up and take the sex.

 

His insides were tight (or maybe Fuuma was just too big for this poor kid), and after all this time, it felt  _ so fucking good  _ to be inside him. All the close calls, all of Kamui’s insecurities and uncertainty, they were finally joined together. Something he’d have over Subaru. Being Kamui’s first, his one and only. Subaru wouldn’t be able to steal that. Fuuma could feel himself smirk with pleasure, both from being inside his precious, and knowing Subaru would never own something like this. Kamui was his, his, his, his and only his. 

 

Except that he wasn’t. 

 

“Su...ba...ru…”

 

He never was.

 

“....?” Fuuma’s bliss was cut off short. 

 

_ What the fuck? _

 

“Make...it...feel nice…?”’

 

_ No, there’s no way---- _

 

There could be no way that Kamui started to imagine Subaru in Fuuma’s place. There could be no possible way, but what Fuuma hadn’t realize is that Kamui had a small realization himself throughout all of this. What Fuuma knew before Kamui, Kamui himself had surely come to believe. It was no lie, but the truth. Kamui had always loved his brother, Subaru. He was there for him since the beginning, before and after Kanoe had abandoned him. Subaru was always Kamui’s world, even with Yuuto came into their lives as their father, the former never changed. 

 

Kamui adored Subaru.

 

Kamui always wanted to be by his  side.

 

And realizing that all the things he had done with Fuuma, would have been much more nicer if it was him and Subaru. Kamui knew him to be soft, tender, caring; all these wonderful things he grew up with. Kamui knew that if was having sex with Subaru, the older of the two would be careful, considerate,  _ slow _ .

 

Kamui was in love with Subaru, and it nearly destroyed him to realize such a thing.

 

Even with this, Fuuma couldn’t win. He could do nothing but growl. 

 

“Stop...saying his name…”

 

“ _ Subaru _ .”

 

_ Stop saying his fucking name!! _

 

“I...I...lo…”

 

_ No! Don’t, Kamui. Kamui don’t--- _

 

Longingly, lovingly, somber. 

 

“I love you.” 

 

A confession not meant for Fuuma’s ears. It almost broke Fuuma apart, too.

 

“Look at me!!” Fuuma started to pound more into Kamui’s ass, his cock slamming aggressively against Kamui’s cheeks. He’d choke from his tears that covered his eyelashes thickly, some still running down his face. Kamui’s eyes had become soft and glassy,clouded in a violet dream, he was almost gone in thought. 

 

“Love me...not him?”

 

He knew Kamui stopped acknowledging him. He was feeling Subaru inside him, and not Fuuma. His own voice becoming nearly childlike, he couldn’t fathom why Kamui wouldn’t look at him. They were together, having sex. Kamui...he...he wanted this, didn’t he? 

 

_ Why won’t you look at me? _

 

“I’ll make you feel whole. Don’t you want that…?” 

 

_ Don’t you want me?  _

 

“I...I want Subaru…”

 

Fuuma could never replace Subaru. You could never replace a first love, never be him, and he’d never be yours. Agitated and full of resentment, Fuuma frustratedly thrust himself into Kamui, which caused him to cry even louder once again. Burying his partially bloodied face into the floor, Kamui’s tears wet the wood. 

 

“I...want him…”  _ Like this.  _ “I-It...hurts…” 

 

Knowing it was well past his time for the medication, and that Subaru was probably worried by now, Kamui couldn’t forgive himself. Subaru’s anxiety couldn’t be helped, thanks to their mother, but Kamui wouldn’t stop blaming himself for it. Even if this situation was Fuuma’s fault, Kamui was always the center of some type of trouble. His tantrums, his outbursts of emotion; whether it be happiness or the opposite, he knew he caused his father and brother to suffer for years. The money it cost for his meds, the psychiatric visits, breaking shit, the list went on and on. Kamui had felt nothing but a hindrance, and to only now realize he wanted his brother, in the way Fuuma wanted him-- Kamui’s heart sank. 

 

“Subaru...Subaru...Subaru...I’m...so...sorry….”  _ Please forgive me.  _ “...I...I’ll be...home soon...niisan…” 

 

As Kamui softly cried, Fuuma shed his own tears out of frustration. The defeat he had faced when listening to Kamui’s shattered whispers and confession. He knew then that he could never win, but Fuuma would go so far to deny his reality. The blood trickling down from Kamui’s thighs almost matched the pain Fuuma had felt in his own heart, there was no way Kamui didn’t love him. With all that was said and done between them, how could it not be true? Never mind the fact that their relationship was dubious, and Fuuma had actually coerced a young and naive freshman into it. No, he’d never admit it. Kamui came to him. 

 

_ No, you did it.  _

 

Fuuma could feel Kamui bleeding on his arousal. 

 

“Hurry up n’ cum...Fuuma. It..hurts.” 

 

Kamui looked empty, just as much as Fuuma himself did. 

 

“Y-You’ll...feel full, Kamui.”   _ Close, I’m so close.  _ “I love you…?”

 

Not once did Fuuma ever say he loved Kamui, not until this moment. 

 

“So, look at me...Look at me, Kamui... _ Please _ ? I love you...I love you, Kamui. Kamui. Kamui…” 

 

It didn’t take much longer for his precious boy to pass out. It didn’t stop Fuuma from continuing. 

 

_ This is the only way...to really show that I love you? _

 

“I want to be with you, so this is all I can do.”

 

_ Look at me. _

 

_ Please. _

 

_ Please love me.  _

 

Not much time had passed when Kamui became unconscious. Coming to, he still felt Fuuma’s cock deep within him. Precum had mixed with blood, leaking from Kamui’s wrecked body and his tears nearly all dried up. Fuuma’s rough fingers then became laced into his hair. Pulling the boy up, Fuuma started rocking up against his, cumming almost instantly. Hot breath and inaudible whispers creeping into Kamui’s ears, they both shuddered when Fuuma had filled up his insides. Not realizing his own arousal, the dangerous lion began to softly, if almost ironically, stroke Kamui. 

 

As disgusting as it was, as disgusting and vile in what it was; Kamui was devoured by guilt. Several fragments of his mind could agree with the pleasure,  _ the desire  _ to be touched, but not by this...this thing. This  _ monster  _ of a human being. 

 

A slight arch of his body, Kamui moaned. He moaned for Subaru. 

 

_ “Kamui.”  _ Fuuma’s last pleas for love, and maybe for forgiveness. He knew Kamui would never forgive him, the lion was lost to denial. 

 

“I love you.” These words were not meant for Fuuma.  

 

Kamui came silently into Fuuma’s hands, his body shuddering from the pain, the pleasure, and the guilt which ate at his heart. Fuuma knew exactly who he was thinking of, and Kamui truly realized now that he was in love with Subaru. 

 

Fuuma couldn’t handle the rejection much more. If pushed to the edge, even  _ farther than this _ , Kamui would not have left the house with his life. He’d felt the urge to crush any feelings that Kamui held for his brother, but instead abruptly dropped his body back onto the ground. There was nothing more to do, and no more words to share. The intimacy they shared felt empty, a hopeless victory. Fuuma was lost in his world of desires, misery, and fantasy. 

  
Kamui was left with emptiness, despair and loathing. His heart was rotten with rust and burning through happy memories, shredding them apart as if they never happened. None of it had meant anything if he was being punished for having a happy family. A recovering family, a family that loved him, and a brother that he had come to fall in love with. He knew it was a terrible thing, but he didn’t know he’d get punished for it.

 

Did he deserve it? Kamui started to believe so.

 

Fuuma eventually left Kamui to fend for himself. They had made a mess and Fuuma, in his anger, half-expected Kamui clean it up on his own. Which Kamui did not. Instead he had curled up for about a good half hour, with cries that never came out, and screams that didn’t reach his lips. He lived in silence until it was time to really go home. He didn’t know what he’d tell his family.   
  
It’d come down to not saying a word. 

 

When he left, he cleaned up in a nearby public bathroom. Trying to erase the evidence as much as he could, conceiving ideas as to what happened to his face, why he can’t walk properly, and why he looks like he wants to kill himself.    
  
“ _ I forgot my meds, I’m miserable but I’m okay.”  _

 

_ Yeah, that’d be a good excuse.  _

 

Whatever he had decided on, they bought it. Concerned, but it sold. He’d erase the evidence in the bath. Soaking away the memories that were absorbed into the drain. It didn’t happen, it wouldn’t happen again. No matter how many tantrums he’d throw, he wouldn’t go back to school. He wouldn’t leave the apartment, he’d never want to see a single person other than his father and brother. No one else. They weren’t worth it. 

 

There was a monster at school, and he had killed what little there was left that Kamui felt he had. He died, and he’s dead. He’s gone and he can’t look his brother in the face anymore. He can’t answer his father’s questions about Saturday night, and why he locks himself in their room, or why he hides in the closet, or takes longer showers than usual. He can’t avoid Subaru’s soft, worrying eyes and anxious voice. He can’t avoid texts and calls from Segawa-kun, but he can shut his phone off or break it and say it was an accident. He can drop out of school and become a shut in, a failure that failed to become a decent member of society. 

 

He can’t be normal. He was never made to be a normal, fully functional human being. That was only a pipe dream; something fragile and completely foolish. His mother was right to throw him away, he only held people back. He was a wallet eater, a bad kid that was lost to the sky and the voices no one else could hear but him. No one would ever love him, unless you were Fuuma. But Kamui never asked for that, and now he knows he never did. The only person he’d ever want like that would be Subaru. It was pure, he thought it was--- to be held, to be loved and to be free without judgement and rejection. 

 

Kamui felt it was tainted. He ruined it and felt as if he lost the only good thing he had. There was nothing more he could do but to give his hand to despair. He surrendered his heart to shame and depression. 

 

His world had sank to the depths of Hell, and this time he really thinks there’s no turning back. 

**Author's Note:**

> The title isn't even official tbh. Anyway, hope you...enjoyed??


End file.
